By now I’m sure you’ve heard of the Duggar family sex scandal. If not, here is the
statement from Josh Duggar. What you may not have heard is that his wife, Anna plans to take on responsibility of her husband’s actions.
The New York Daily News posted an
article
titled “anna Duggar will ‘absorb some of the blame’ for cheating
husband Josh Duggar, won’t seek divorce.” The article quotes a source
saying she will not leave him. According to a People source, she feels
responsible:
“Maybe not publicly, ever, but privately, there will be some
suggestion of whether or not she should have been more aware of the
pressures Josh was under, of the issues he was facing, and how she could
have better counseled him or helped him.” You can read more
here.
This matters because Anna is not the only person to be in this
twisted and heart-wrenching position. So, for Anna and all women and men
who have know this struggle, pain and uncertainty, here is an open
letter to Anna Duggar.
Dear Anna Duggar,
I want to share with you what I learned
from my mom. I learned the most about courage, heartache, strength and
tenderness from my mom. And I learned these things with aching clarity
when my parents divorced.
I know there are strong opinions about
divorce in the church. I don’t like divorce, but I also don’t like
people living in abusive, unloving, damaging relationships. These are my
personal thoughts from my own story that I want to share with you.
I have known blind comfort and I’ve known
brilliant life. They both come at a cost. I’ve been in a place of
soul-draining complacency. My heart and mind were drifting in and out of
consciousness because I liked comfort and safety. I stayed stuck and
soaked in the murkiness of what was known. I had gaping wounds, but they
were buried so deep in my heart, I didn’t know how to get to them or
how to begin dressing those wounds. So I walked around with internal
bleeding and a heart shut off to the pain.
But then I became desperate. I became desperate for life – life to the fullest like Jesus
talked
about. I could no longer be satisfied with a life half lived. I
stumbled around spiritually and emotionally shell-shocked, weary,
lifeless, and fearful. I was a committed Christ-follower, but one who
didn’t know how to walk in the newness of salvation. I didn’t know how
to get past my fears to embrace my freedom, and I didn’t know how to
love myself enough to fall in love with Jesus.
Finally, I learned to leap off that cliff
of suffocating comfort one timid step at a time until light and life
got the best of my fear.
It wasn’t easy. My mom lost family
members, but her dignity was restored. She knew the pain of earthly
rejection, but she knew heavenly acceptance and wholeness. She
experienced betrayal and loneliness, but she became strong, healthy,
thriving and free. And so did I.
This is what I learned from my mom. You
must enter into the pain and the darkness to find light, healing and
wholeness. God’s grace meets you there every step of the way. A little
bit of your grit is exchanged for a whole lot of His grace as you
replace lies with truth. Facing your darkness is worth it because of His
brilliant light that shines through the deepest grief, the greatest
disappointment and the thickest blindness.
Anna, don’t let forgiving him blind you
to your grief. Grieving is important. It’s worth it to embrace the
healing process no matter how bloody, lonely or painful it is. You will
find light in the midst of your darkness. Light, truth and love will be
your companion and guide. You will never be alone. You will know deeper
and sweeter known-ness than before.
So, forgive, but don’t own what’s not
yours to own. Your husband made devastating choices that have killed,
hurt and destroyed. Go ahead and feel the hurt. Risk the pain of fully
seeing and feeling to be fully alive. Good ol’ fashioned, well meaning
Christians will tell you to “forgive and forget,” but from one formerly
bleeding heart to another, don’t do it. That is a sure way to let your
soul die. Sweet girl, don’t let your soul die.
You can have reconciliation if that’s
what you choose, but allow for the long, messy, painful process of
forgiveness first. It seems like Christians are quick to do one of two
things in response to someone’s big, public mistake – they either ask
them to step down from leadership and leave the church or they decide to
forgive and forget like magic. I don’t think either of these is the
right answer.
Jesus was in the business of restoration.
I think He would have trudged with people through the muck of comfort,
soul-hiding and pain-avoiding and into the gut wrenching pain of bearing
your soul’s deepest and darkest places until you can receive grace and
freedom in full. That’s Jesus. He’s gritty and grace-filled and he’s not
afraid of any darkness. (He had boundaries too, so don’t do this on
your own).
Anna, leave your husband. (Stay with me
here). You cannot stay married to this same man. Leave the man who was
(and is) so he can become the man who can and should be. Leave the old
behind with its lies, pretense, doubt, insecurity, secrecy, and
molestation. A public apology is a start, but it’s not enough. His
actions have led to deep wounds in you, but they reflect long-standing
wounds within his own heart. For God’s sake (truly), don’t let him off
the hook with easy blindness – that’s cheap forgiveness. You’re a child
of God, you can do better than that.
Feel the pain. Don’t fall asleep by
nullifying and numbing yourself to the pain in the name of “Christian
forgiveness.” Don’t forget, not yet. There must be change and healing
for there to be reconciliation. You don’t have the power to forget. Only
God can ease and lesson those memories.
Fight for your heart, for your kids’
hearts and for your husband’s heart too. His decision to cheat and have
an affair is his mistake and his sin. It’s not yours to carry. It
affects you, yes, but it is in no way your doing or a fault you must
own. It’s his to own. Let him own it.
This is grit and grace. It’s not easy, but they can and should go together.
If you decide to walk with him, be sure
it’s a process of all that is in darkness coming into the light. This is
the process of healing and reconciliation. There is forgiveness and
there is reconciliation, but those are two different things.
Awaken your soul even though it means
feeling the pain. It will be intense pain with feelings of loneliness
and betrayal. But when you embrace the pain and name the lies and
wounds, you help break the power they have over you, and with God’s
Spirit, you can draw them out of the darkness so your woundedness can
turn to healing, life and wholeness.
So here’s my prayer for you and any woman or man going through this type of deep heart pain:
Be strong and courageous – Have spirit and resolve.
Do not be terrified – Have light in your darkness.
Do not be discouraged – Have hope in vulnerability.
For the Lord your God – He calls you His own.
He will be with you wherever you go – no matter how dark, how deep or how lonely, He’ll be there.
Anna, He will freely give His Spirit, His
favor and His lovingkindness. The process can be messy, but these gifts
are yours to receive. Breathe it in so you can breathe it back out.
It’s gritty grace. And it’s yours for the keeping.
Alongside many other brave, Jesus-loving women, like my mom, we’re praying for you and we’re with you.
Esther Laurie is a staff writer at
ChurchLeaders.com. Her background is in communication and church
ministry. She believes in the power of the written word and the beauty
of transformation and empowering others. When she’s not working, she
loves running, exploring new places and time with friends and family.
It’s her goal to work the word ‘whimsy’ into most conversations.
More from Esther Laurie or visit Esther at
http://estherlaurie.com
“It
is common to hear rumbling noises coming from the mountain but this
time it was accompanied by the desperate frightened wails of children
and frenzied yelling of women,” Matt noted on their blog.
GUJRAT, PAKISTAN (ANS. AUG. 21)
Hate spilled onto the streets after an evangelical conference and
ordination ceremony was held in the city of Gujrat on Aug. 15. 
About the writer: Jeremy
Reynalds is Senior Correspondent for the ASSIST News Service, a
freelance writer and also the founder and CEO of Joy Junction, New
Mexico's largest emergency homeless shelter, 
About
the writer: Jeremy Reynalds is Senior Correspondent for the ASSIST News
Service, a freelance writer and also the founder and CEO of Joy
Junction, New Mexico's largest emergency homeless shelter, 